This was originally shared on my Instagram account
This is how it felt. Sunshine and lightness seemed far away and barely there. The heavy, cold, and dark obscuring the warmth. I don't remember when it started. I just remember sadness and anger. The people I love walking on egg shells because the slightest thing could trigger the Rage. It is uncontrollable with a hair trigger. I'm not proud of it. The hurt I caused to my loved ones by yelling and saying things I did not mean.
I have spotty memories of the first few months of my last baby's life. All I remember is being angry and crying and hating. I can never get them back. I have photos that I'm not in. I have a preschooler that still seems afraid of me. I have a marriage I am still trying to fix. But I have an almost 1 year old that still lights up when he sees me. He has been my everything through this. I need that baby as much as he needs me.
I feel like I have a year or more to make up to my family. But I made it out of the fog and the darkness. The rage is under control. The heaviness has dissipated, but I know it can envelop me again. I work extra hard to make sure it doesn't - precious time alone, exercise, therapy, reaching out and admitting I need help. I don't want to go back there. I don't want us to go back there.